Mike at Night Learning to Love Selflessly
No, not selfishly. Selflessly. Selflessly is the opposite of selfishly and it appears to be a trait many people have lost touch with. As a culture, it seems we have moved from a philosophy of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" to "do unto others before they do it to you." This permeating attitude that focuses on the "me" instead of the "you" or the "we" is highly destructive and is a primary destroyer of relationships. This weeks' column is about rediscovering our ability to put others above ourselves and, in the process, rediscovering the joy and the sense of well-being that comes from being selfless instead of selfish. We hear all the time that personal change is difficult and, in fact, it is. That's because we are all creatures of habit. We have developed a method of thinking and behaving that we believe serves our needs and we tend to proceed from one day to the next without having to engage very much in critical thinking or introspection. It's sort of like driving a car with the cruise control on. We're proceeding from one place to the next with as little effort as possible. Think about the routines in your life, from the time you get up in the morning until the time you go to bed at night. Think about how much of your day is spent in mind-numbing ritual and routine. Even our down time or play time tends to be ritualized. We tend to associate with the same people, have the same conversations, do the same things and even sit in the same place, time after time. People who are in empty-shell relationships where there is no love or intimacy or closeness or oneness fall into the same trap. It just seems easier to do what you've always done than to take charge of your destiny and re-create your own world. I mentioned earlier in the column that it's not easy and it's not. But it is certainly possible. Any of us can change our life for the better anytime we choose, if we just would. One of the most redeeming and rewarding ways to change our lives is to take ourselves off the top of our pyramid and put someone else there. I have done that for the past two years because of the relationship I'm in and it always reminds me that I'm a better person when I do. When I put her first in everything I think and do, that means I'm not putting myself first. I'm giving rather than receiving and, for me, the joys of giving have always satisfied my psychic needs much more than receiving. I've changed practically everything about my life in the past two years and, because of that, I'm better off and so is the relationship. I firmly believe that to fully discover our true selves, we have to abandon our habitual selves. The easiest time to do this is when a person who means more to you than anyone or thing else ever has before has entered your life and we want to do everything within our power to keep the love AND the relationship fresh and magical. To do that requires certain things of us. We have to give rather than receive. We have to put someone else first in our lives and anticipate their needs and desires. We have to anticipate how they will respond to our every word and act. On the other hand, we have to ask ourselves why we continue to do selfish things that are upsetting to the loves of our lives. Habits are hard to break. But they're breakable. Routines are hard to change but they're changeable. The only thing required is a decision to put someone else first, to do whatever is in our power to make them happy and secure, to anticipate their needs and desires and, in the process, to experience the true happiness and comfort that only giving can provide. If we can visualize giving up our old tired habits in order to enhance and improve the life and the mind of the one we love, then we have taken the first step towards self-actualization and inner peace and the first step towards constructing a permanent, resilient, unbreakable relationship that will stand the test of time. Put the person you're in love with, the person who makes your life worth living, first in your life. Dedicate yourself to making them feel loved, desired, cherished, respected, protected, and secure. It will change your life, it will change the life of your loved one, and it will change the nature of your relationship. Forever. ____________ Mike can be e-mailed at mikeatnight@hotmail.com |