Mike at Night Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
It's kind of amazing how victims and controllers find each other. It's almost like the victims have been implanted with homing devices that only the controllers can sense. Regardless of how it works, we know that far too often these two opposite personality types get hooked up with each other. When they do, bad things happen. Most of us can't imagine being so controlled and dominated by someone else that we literally give up freedom, our individuality and our right to chart our own course. The controllers tend to be males and the victims tend to be females although we sometimes see the roles reversed. Controllers, by and large, suffer from poor self-esteem, have a low self-concept, were raised in a family milieu that was either abusive, neglectful or both, and carries around a huge chip on their shoulder. Because of these variables, they subconsciously look for a woman they can control, manipulate, and dominate because that's the only part of their world they DO have any control over. This attitude tends to surface early on in the relationship. It usually begins with put-downs and name-calling. "You're stupid, you wouldn't be anything without me, you don't have enough sense to make it on your own, you had better be glad you found me." Those kinds of words and phrases are designed to make the woman feel dependant and obligated to the man. What compounds the problem is the basic personality type of the woman because she tends to suffer from poor self-esteem and lack of confidence herself. So, when the abuser puts her down and criticizes her over and over, she internalizes it and begins to believe that what he says is so. This spiral is repeated over and over until that negative internalization is almost etched in stone. This verbal and emotional abuse often leads to physical abuse as well. When the abuser realizes he can abuse his victim with words and get away with it, the next logical step for him is to use force and violence to instill fear in her. The words cut deep and leave emotional scars, the violence supports and validates the words and keeps her in her place because she's afraid of what he might do if she would ever try to stand up for herself and gain her own independence. The cycle is repeated as often as necessary by the abuser to keep the victim "in her place." Because she has been convinced that she has no worth because he continually tells her that, instead of leaving or standing up for herself, she constantly tries to please him and make him happy so she won't have to listen to the words or experience the violence. But the plan never works. She more the tries to make him happy, to make him see that she has value, the more things he finds fault with. He checks the mileage on her car, he checks caller ID to see who has called, she has to tell him where she's going, when she's leaving and when she'll be back. Meals have to be hot and ready to eat when he walks in the door, regardless of what time it is. Total control over her is his objective and she jumps through every hoop he puts up, hoping to avoid the emotional and physical pain that always occurs when he finds fault with her but no matter what she does or doesn't do, it's never enough. He will ALWAYS find fault and, consequently, she will NEVER measure up because that's who he is. It's who he has always been and it's who he will always be unless HE wants to change. And even then, it's next to impossible because he didn't become who he is overnight. It was a long process that involved everything he has been exposed to since birth and that process is very difficult to reverse. There aren't any simple solutions to complex problems and the mind and motives of an abuser are complex indeed. The victim feels trapped due to his threats and the fear of the unknown and even when there IS somewhere to go or someone to go to, she has become so immobilized by fear and anticipation that's it's difficult for her to take the action she knows she should take. So the cycle continues and everyone who cares about her is negatively impacted, especially children in the family because they see it and hear it and it becomes a part of them as well. It's a cycle that has to be broken for the mental health of all concerned and like, so many other things, knowledge is power. ____________ Mike can be e-mailed at mikeatnight@hotmail.com |