Mike at Night Looking A Gift Horse in the Mouth We have become a skeptical, mistrustful society over the past 30 to 40 years. When I was growing up, a man's word was his bond. Million dollar deals were sealed with a handshake. There were no credit checks ran on people because there were no credit-reporting bureaus. This was before national and international credit cards like Visa, MasterCard and American Express. Except for department store and gasoline credit cards, people either paid with cash or they "charged" it until they got paid. Except for running a tab in a restaurant or bar, there's not much charging going on anymore. Because of the misdeeds of a few, everyone has to undergo a credit check before they can buy practically anything if they're not paying with cash or check. And, if you're paying with a check that's another whole story as most of you know. This attitude of mistrust bleeds over into our private lives and interactions as well. The guiding principle used to be that we trusted people until they gave us reasons not to. Now the reverse seems to be true in far too many cases. We start out mistrusting and the other person has to prove to us that they are worthy of our trust. The reason for this is essentially the same as with the credit example mentioned in the first paragraph. Because some people have done us wrong, because some people lied to us or went back on their word, we develop a sense that we can't trust anyone. Because of that, our society suffers. I have talked a lot about risk in past columns. Risk is a part of life. We encounter risk every day whether we choose to or not. We're risking our safety and our lives when we drive a motor vehicle, or ride a boat, train, or plane. We know that accidents occur but we know the odds are low enough that we hope nothing bad will happen to us. Well, trusting others is a risk as well. We all know there are controllers and manipulators and con-men out there who are trying to sell us a pig-in-a-poke and, because of that awareness, we put up our shields and our barriers and, to fully protect ourselves, we let no one in. And this is where we lose one of the major distinctions that makes us fully human. Sometimes we offer ourselves up to others as a "free gift." We present ourselves to others, stripped emotionally and psychologically naked, with no strings attached. We are being open and honest, truthful and faithful, dedicated and devoted. Yet, others are suspicious because they have been "burned" in the past when they freely gave their love or their trust or their friendship to someone else. And because they've been harmed in the past by trusting, they assume that everyone they interact with will be operating from the same agenda. They refuse to see and differentiate one person from another. They assume if they've been lied to before, abused before, let down before, controlled and manipulated before, it is likely to happen again. So, they erect their defenses and they let no one in. In doing so, they give up the most unique aspect of their humanity. Positive, mutually-satisfying relationships tend to be as rare as the air at the summit of the tallest mountains but those kinds of relationships are not yet extinct. There are people who can be believed, can be trusted and can help you make more of your life than you ever thought possible. But we have to have enough faith to let those people in. We have to be able to risk one more time. And we have to have enough hope left in our heart that we can be "real" to them as well. Relationships can never flourish and grow when either person is holding things back. We have to let that other person know that we accept them and trust and believe in them as they are and we must believe that they are willing to do the same for us. This is really what life, loving, and living is all about. Of course, it's easier to mistrust than trust because it requires no effort on our part. We just lump everyone into the same category and treat them all alike but, in the process, we miss out on the two-way social relationships that occur only among human beings, those relationships that truly make us different from any other species on the planet. If we're going to live life to the fullest and squeeze the most out of life we possibly can, we're going to have to drop our barriers and defenses and let certain people back in. There is someone in practically every person's life who's on the outside, knocking at the door of your heart, begging to be admitted and that person can change the course, direction, and quality of your life forever. But he can't if you won't let him in. ____________ Mike can be e-mailed at mikeatnight@hotmail.com |