Mike at Night
The title of today's column is currently a "hot-button" topic in the media and among so-called experts in the field with a lot of debate back and forth between those who believe they should and those who believe they shouldn't. There is little empirical evidence to support either answer but a sociological perspective will certainly reveal strong indications. We are what we learn. We're born without norms, without values, without morals. We have no conception of right and wrong until we're taught what right and wrong is. At any point in time throughout our lives, we are the sum total of all the experiences we've had since birth. One of the reasons why the family has always been the most significant socializing agent is because our parents get us in this "blank slate" state. The only thing we know is what they teach us. A while back, one of the daytime shows featured members of the Ku Klux Klan and their children. The adults were interviewed first in their full Klan regalia and they spewed hate, bigotry and prejudice like they always have. Then their children were introduced. It probably comes as no surprise to anyone that the kids came out dressed like their parents and, when interviewed, talked the same hate, bigotry, and prejudice that their parents had. We are what we learn. So, what are children exposed to in loveless, sexless marriages when it's often all the two parents can do to be civil to each other? What do children learn when they're exposed to coldness, bitterness, and sometimes hatred? How do children respond when their parents don't share the same bedroom, don't touch or hug or hold hands, don't say "I love you" to each other and each often goes their own separate way? One of the basic functions of the family is to provide emotional support and comfort to the children. The home I grew up in was my "shelter in the storm" because I knew, regardless of what was going on in the rest of my life, I could always go "home" and be safe, secure, and protected because my folks loved each other and they loved me. Children are very perceptive. They know when things are "not right." And no matter how hard a parent tries to pretend things ARE all right, the children see through it. Parents who stay together for the sake of the children are being role models FOR the children. They are teaching their children that they don't deserve, perhaps shouldn't even expect joy, happiness, or love in a relationship. Children perceiving this loveless behavior grow up thinking it is the norm rather than the exception. It makes them withdraw emotionally from others, erecting barriers so other people can't touch their hearts, because they don't want to be hurt like they see their parent or parents hurt every day. I've reported in this column before that children exposed to alcoholism in the family are more likely to grow up and become alcoholics than children who are not. Children who are physically abused are more likely to grow up to be abusers themselves than children who are not. Male children who see their mom abused are more likely to grow up to be a spouse abuser than children who are not. And female children who see their mom abused are more likely to grow up to be victims than girls who don't. The message seems to be a lot clearer than most people think. Divorce is not so much about how the children are affected today. Regardless of how terrible the marriage is, children don't want their parents to divorce. That's a natural, normal emotion. But what parents MUST focus on is not how the child reacts today because that reaction is pretty predictable. What is much more important is to understand how staying or leaving will affect your child for the rest of their lives. Because the decision the parent makes to either stay or go sends a clear message to the child. And the message is crystal clear. We either seek happiness in this brief, blink of an eye existence we have on earth, or we accept and settle for much, much less. And the saddest thing is that the parent who stays because they convince themselves they're staying for good of the children, will watch their own children some time in the future have the same unfulfilling relationships that their parents role-modeled for them.
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