As a conservative, I sometimes feel I am living in a nation that has had an evil spell cast over it by the wicked witch of the left. I have to deal with all the laws and regulations that interfere with my private property and freedom to live my life as I see fit. However, something is in the air that seems to have reversed the effects of the liberal spell and turned it on the liberals themselves. There was a full moon recently. Halloween is just around the corner, but it is most likely that the hypocritical policies and intrusive style of liberal government have finally come face to face with each other. For example, in Michigan, a noble young liberal unemployed filmmaker by the name of John Mocombe and his friend were arrested. They had brought, from New York to Michigan, 20,000 plastic containers to recycle because they could get 10 cents per bottle in Michigan. In New York, they would have received five cents. For some reason, this is against Michigan law. At first glance, "Poor John" was only doing his part to save the planet from an environmental apocalypse. However, when one remembers that Al Gore proclaimed that "the combustion engine is the greatest threat to humankind," the law makes perfect sense because of the gas John wasted in driving from New York to Michigan. Okay. I will wait a minute. I am getting telepathic messages from liberals screaming that "Poor John" committed the number one sin of liberalism. After all, he tried to make a profit. "The greedy capitalist pig got what he deserved." I am sorry to disappoint you liberals, but John is a devout liberal. Instead of taking responsibility, he made all kinds of excuses. First, he claimed ignorance of the law. In this case, I was sympathetic with this argument until I remembered the story of some farmer in California who accidentally ran over a small rat that is on the endangered species list and got in all kinds of trouble with the EPA. The judge also didn’t buy "poor John’s" first excuse and sentenced him to a year in jail. However, John proved himself a true liberal with a final excuse that got his sentence delayed so he could return to New York to look for work. "Poor John" said, "I was inspired by the late Princess Diana and wanted the money to do good."
The Makah Tribe of Native Americans wants to enforce an 1855 treaty made with evil white guys. Of course, the evil white guys broke the treaty. The tribe requested that they be allowed to kill five whales a year to restore the religious connections of their native culture. Normally, liberals would laud a request by a Native American. They can rant about the evils of white men and show that they really do believe in freedom of religious expression. It is only Christian religion that doesn’t have freedom of expression. Native Americans can have their religion taught in public schools, and smoking dope as part of a religious practice is okay. However, in this case, poor defenseless whales have been oppressed and brought to the brink of annihilation by evil white men. This is really a moral quagmire for liberals. A special protected minority of people versus animals. Liberal animal rights activists made the obvious liberal decision. Animals are more important than people. So, they brought suit to stop the Makah, despite scientists' claims that the whale population will not be endangered by this small hunt. Also, I might be wrong in my earlier statement. Maybe liberals have no tolerance for any religion? If you still don’t think there are some ghoulish tricks happening to liberals, then how did this story make it across the AP wires? Over the summer, Earth First, a group of environmental gadflies, started a protest over a proposed mine in Antigo, Wisconsin. After ending their protest, these protectors of the planet just happened to leave something behind. Officials reported that thirteen fifty-gallon barrels of human waste was left behind on private property. I don’t know. Maybe Earth First thought they were doing a favor for the landowner. He could use the stuff as organic fertilizer next spring? I guess they might have been saving it to make stink bombs for ghoulish attacks on people that might wear a fur coat on a cool Halloween evening. I must report an additional bizarre occurrence. In Los Angeles, we have had a King Kong sighting in the last week. Well…not exactly, but we must keep this theme alive. Environmentalists climbed up fifteen floors on the outside of the Atlantic Richfield company headquarters in order to protest the company's drilling for oil in the Arctic.
This is the first time El Nino has happened since the winter of 1982-83. In Nebraska, there was a terrible ice storm and blizzard around Christmas time. I had my face frozen when my four-wheel drive pickup got stuck in a snowdrift while I was taking care of livestock. I had to walk home. It only took about twenty minutes; but, despite wearing a scarf over it, my face was starting to freeze by the time I got in the house. I could have used some global warming that day. Finally, here is the proof that Halloween arrived early this year. In Hancock, Maryland, the city refused to establish a date for trick-or-treating because they are afraid of the vampires -- better known as "personal injury lawyers." They could be liable, if someone got hurt. The result is that kids are taking advantage of it and have started trick-or-treating every day. This gives even more chances for someone to get hurt. Yes, it is a liberal Halloween. Wait a minute! I am getting those telepathic vibes again. It is telling me that I may have gotten some liberal blood to boiling. Don’t worry, liberals. I am not Count Dracula, ready to suck your blood. Lighten up, and laugh a little. This was just done in the spirit of the upcoming Halloween celebration. Liberals should really love Halloween because it doesn’t celebrate Christianity, patriotism or European conquest. Alternative lifestyles are the vogue. Expressions of protest, through artistic expression, are common. You can wear weird nonconformist attire and express your outrage by egging a house or stringing toilet paper through trees.
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