Early last
spring, I finally convinced my wife that we needed a mini-satellite dish.
I sold her when I showed her we could get three to four times the cable
programming we were getting for basically the same price. However, I
should have negotiated a legally binding contract with my wife that under
no circumstances was she ever to use the remote control when I was at
home. When I arrive home, she must instantly turn the remote control over
to me.
This sort of
clause should be added to the marriage vows of the 21st
century. It would likely lower the divorce rates. It would be a nice
replacement for the now politically incorrect “obey” portion of the
marriage vow. All you guys that still have your freedom, I would consider
demanding a prenuptial agreement that includes your male right to control
the remote control before agreeing to say, “I do.”
If it can’t
be nipped in the bud before marriage and satellite purchase, I want to
warn all unsuspecting men waiting in anticipation of getting that new dish
to watch ball games. Beware
of a hidden snare called HGTV. For those of you who haven’t faced this
menace, HGTV stands for Home and Garden Television. I am even thinking of
starting a lobbying effort to get congress to require all satellites to
come with a warning label for men: “Beware of HGTV, if you don’t want
to risk losing control of the right to skip commercials and watch twenty
shows during the same time period.” At least, the companies could put in
a mother/wife lockout to go along with the parental lockout to keep them
from viewing HGTV.
What makes
HGTV such a menace is that you can’t tell by reading the TV listings
that this channel is addictive to women. There are some obvious female
choices if you look close, but there are shows on remodeling, landscaping,
antiques etc. that don’t appear to have a female bias. However, if you
watch one of these how to do it yourself shows, it makes everything look
easy. If you follow the instructions, it will take years to complete. It
will cost ten times what it should and 100 times more than what you can
afford. Plus, their finished product always looks perfect on TV. So, even
if you take on the project to appease your wife, it wouldn’t ever turn
out as good as what it looked on TV. Of course, she would never be
satisfied.
This isn’t
really a serious problem in my marriage because my wife already knows I am
worthless with a hammer or a saw. It is just a small irritant because if I
let go of the remote control even to get a drink of water, I will find my
wife with the remote in hand and HGTV on my – oops, I mean -- our TV
screen. It now challenges the old movie channels, ESPN and the History
Channel for our most watched station. I suppose it is a fair trade-off, as
we both love the old movie channels and the history channel. However, ESPN
is my domain. So, I guess she has a right to have a station that appeals
to her interests.
Just the
other night, she tried a sneaky tactic. I was in the middle of watching
the Royals have an inning that would have made the Bad News Bears look
like the 1927 New York Yankees. I was not in a very good mood and was
saying disparaging things about even my favorite players when she sweetly
suggested that we see what else was on TV. Now, she knows that when I
watch a Royals game (or a Husker football or basketball game), I am
staying to the end no matter how bad it gets.
But, she still had to give it a try. I didn’t even have to say a
word. I put a stronger grip on the remote and responded with a deafening
silence reminiscent of being in the eye of the storm. Being a smart woman,
she let it go for a minute. Now, she may have lovingly been worried I
might have a heart attack or something; but after 11+ years of marriage, I
have my doubts, especially with what happened next.
Her next plan
of attack was subtle, but more effective. She suggested we flip to HGTV
between innings. There was nothing else on then that I cared about, so I
thought I would show how much I love her. Well, if I am completely honest,
I couldn’t stand to watch another of the disgusting and moronic Missouri
lottery commercials that air between innings. Her motives were suspect as
well. She sneakily knew she had a show that would hook me, even if it was
on HGTV.
The secret
weapon is the show, If Walls Could Talk, which airs on Monday
nights. It talks about people buying an old house to remodel. Now, that
doesn’t appeal to me, but it also is a show that tells about the
interesting history of the people who lived in the house before the
current owner. It also has an edge of mystery to it. They often get hooked
on discovering the history of the house by accidental discoveries in the
remodeling process that reveal hidden secrets. I still flipped back to my
game, but I did miss a few at bats along the way. I will never admit it,
and she will never ask me; but we both know that at least once a week, she
has lured me into the HGTV snare.
Just in case
you haven’t figured it out by now, despite my futile attempt to hide it
with humor, I love my wife very much. My wife and children and the larger
extended family of grandparents, brothers, and yes…in-laws are the most
important thing in my life. A good family is a vital sanctuary against the
storm clouds that confront us every day in an uncertain and sometimes
cruel world. I believe it is God’s gift to give us a little taste of
heaven on earth.
It is true
that the little bit of heaven in today’s culture often turns into a big
piece of hell. However, I still must recommend that everyone should do
everything they can to get a hold of that taste of heaven called the
family and refuse to do anything to let it go, like your life depended on
it. Without a strong family and the divine creator of the family circle,
your life will never be complete. It will never be easy or perfect; but if
you are part of a good family, you will always be a success, even if you
suffer setbacks, failure and sorrow in other aspects of your life.
If walls
could really talk, they would not be telling sappy, fairy tale stories of
perfect loving, romantic families. Instead, the home walls would each tell
a simple but, at the same time, complex story worthy of a great epic.
There would be jaded characters with many faults that in mid-story would
look like the family was destined for certain failure. Some do fail, but
the happy endings are those where, when push comes to shove, refuse to let
go. They refuse to throw away the lifetime lifeline they took ahold of the
day they said, “I do.” Just a smile and hug or even something that
seems as insignificant as the flip of a TV channel can be the keys to
writing a happy ending.
To Joe's
previous article
