THE
PRESIDENTIAL POTTY PATROL I am poisoning the power of my pen by pleading to all people of pious or prudish propensity to please pause and proceed to other places. To persist down this path permits me to punish your pristine propriety. Peeping past this point prevents post-perusal priggish pleas preying punishment in perpetuity on the person who prepared this perplexing and perverse prose. (Or is it poetry?) Our penal president that pats, paws, and propositions people pursuant to providing pleasure to postpone pain presently promulgates plans to prevent proprietors from putting too much pressure on private parts pertaining to the potty privileges of payroll peons. Permit me to postulate this is perhaps the perfect program for the phallic political philosophy of President Clinton. Parades, pomp and procession, I am pleased to present the Presidential Potty Patrol. Playing in previously perceived private places, the potty patrol will prevent peasant peddlers from pausing or postponing potty performance. Prodding patrons persistent in placing priority in plugging personal plumbing pursuant to producing products providing pennies will pay the piper. The Presidential Potty Patrol prowls from Pennsylvania to the Pacific in pursuit of poop postponement perpetrators and promise punishment and prison, and to pluck a plethora of pennies from petulant patron's piggy banks. Perplexed, puzzled and peeved at this puzzling panorama of P's? Well, now you know how I felt when I heard that the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) was setting up regulation and enforcement procedures to assure bathroom access in the work place. If you didn't know, there are already laws specifying the number of bathrooms required. However, there is no law specifying how often you are allowed to go to the bathroom on the job. Some teachers don't drink water while teaching because they might need to go to the bathroom and are afraid to take their eyes off their students long enough to answer the call of nature. A woman working in a meat packing plant wet her pants because she was expected to wait for a replacement before running to the bathroom. Paving the path to provide presidential poop patrol protection, we have a heroic prophetic prince promoting propaganda to prevent persecution of plentiful poopers. Professor Marc Linder, of the University of Iowa College of Law recently published a book entitled Void Where Prohibited, portraying the plight of the oppressed people plundered of plentiful poop time in the potty. In a related manner, Parks workers have designed a $7500 outhouse created to prevent the potent perfume previously considered part of a person planting themselves on a portable pot. The problem is the devise is solar-operated. In most of our parks and national forests, the porta potties are placed under pine trees, preventing proper performance. The potent perfume returns, providing a poignant proverb to the pariah propensities of political appointed peons to pilfer away people's precious pennies. I am just one person, but I am perplexed and peeved at the proposition that people are incapable of performing one of life's most basic functions that even my three year old boys have perfected without laws or regulations other than parental persuading. Puppies can even learn to poop in the proper place. Surely, people are practical enough and patient enough to privately pursue pleasant potty provisions in their place of work, precluding a Presidential Potty Patrol. |
