THE
CHECK IS IN THE MAIL ROSIE Rosie is a little old lady in her 80's. Rosie is a very religious lady who believes in strict discipline and hard work. Despite all her piety, Rosie has one weakness. She is sure that any day now, one of the hundreds of contests and sweepstakes she entered will show up with a check for ten million dollars. Rosie doesn’t just send in the sweepstakes. She buys whatever magazine or trinket is being sold because that will help her chances to win. Rosie would be the first to criticize someone for buying a lottery ticket or betting on the big game, but she spends her day waiting for the mail person or UPS person to make the latest delivery that will bring the check or the latest trinket that will cause her to win. The UPS driver now uses her house as a point of reference to locate other people in the community. While her odds against winning are still great, her chances of getting money might be getting better. First of all, it appear from the commercials on TV that most of the prize winners are not likely to live long enough to collect the entire 30 year pay out. Therefore, each day Rosie grows older, the more likely she will see that van drive up with Ed, Dick and that big check. It seems Rosie isn’t the only elderly person that thinks the big check is in the mail. Dozens of them have not trusted the mail, so they traveled to the headquarters of American Family Publishers in Florida to claim their money in person. A recent story I read told of an 88 year old man who flew from California to Florida twice in the last 4 months. Whether it is reduced vision, mental capacity or plain old common sense, this gentleman failed to read the fine print. Tough luck you say? Think again! Florida has filed suit against American Family that would collect $15,000 in fines from every sweepstakes letter sent out. The result would bring in hundreds of millions of dollars. Florida can only collect for Florida citizens. However, if Nebraska will just follow suit like all the states have done in the tobacco wars, Rosie might be eligible to receive a check in the mail even if it isn’t the ten million dollars she was hoping to get. After all, the government wouldn’t let them down like Ed and Dick have. The government’s concern is only for the health and welfare of its elderly citizens. Any fines and judgements collected by the government on behalf of the people would promptly be sent back to the people to pay for the damages. In fact, I would look for Uncle Bill to come riding to the rescue from Washington, promising Rosie that her check is in the mail. He can then declare he has saved social security from the right wing conspiracy lead by Ed and Dick so he can get back to the more important presidential duties of training White House interns about on-verbal communication skills. You ask how is he saving social security? Well, it is obvious. Rosie spends part of her social security check on postage and buying products sold by the sponsors of the sweepstakes. Right wing conspiracy? If I told you, then it wouldn’t be a conspiracy anymore, but just ask yourself these questions. Where do celebrities like Ed and Dick become famous? Were did Ronald Reagan first become famous? Cloning? Ed McMahon-Ed Meese-Jesse Helms, Reincarnation? Dick Clark-Tricky Dick Nixon Rosie keep looking for that check because it will soon be in the mail now that the government is on the job. Just be careful if you are asked to come to the post office to pick it up. You might catch a stray bullet from the most recent displaced postal worker or trampled by the stampede of tax collectors. However, you might be better off to forget looking for the check and remember that you worked hard all your life because of the old saying, "There ain’t no thing as a free lunch" Also, if you forgot looking for the check, you might have more time to read that passage from your well used bible that says, "The love of money is the root of all evil." Then again, don’t we all need something to hope and dream for to keep on living?
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